Heard Any Good Jokes Lately?

by wjw on December 7, 2010

I’m fighting off an attack of food poisoning.

Someone else be amusing for a change.

Tucker December 7, 2010 at 12:59 am

Doubtless you’ve heard this one, I’m told it was one of John M. Ford’s favorites, but anyway:

So Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. (The bartender is still polishing Descartes’s glass.)

Heisenberg looks around and says, “Since there are three of us and we are in a bar, we must be in a joke. But is the joke funny or not funny?”

Gödel replies, “Ah, if we were outside the joke we could tell whether it were funny, but from within the joke we cannot decide.”

But Chomsky says, “Oh, it’s funny all right. You’re just not telling it right.”

Sean December 7, 2010 at 3:36 am

This is my one joke. It’s an Irish joke, sorry about that.
How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifity one. One to hold the lightbulb, and fifty to drink until the room starts spinning.
Feel better.

Ralf the Dog December 7, 2010 at 9:22 am

This is not a joke, the people in the story are. Honestly I find it quite sad.


I hope you get to feeling better.

grs1961 December 7, 2010 at 1:07 pm

One day, a Polar Bear cub walks up to his Mum, and asks, “Mum, am I really a Polar Bear?”
His Mum looks at him and says, “Of course you’re a Polar Bear.”
The cub says, “Are you sure?”
His Mother says, “Of course, go ask your Father.”
So he wanders off to ask his Father.
“Dad,” he says, “Am I really a Polar Bear?”
His Dad says, “Yes, son, you are a Polar Bear.”
“Are you sure? I’m not a Grizzly Bear, or a Panda Bear, or a Kashmiri Bear, or even a, a, a Koala Bear?”
“No son, you are a Polar Bear.”
The cub looks at his Father.
“Look son,” says his Father, “Your Mother, she’s a Polar Bear. I’m a Polar Bear. All your brothers and sisters are Polar Bears. You *are* a Polar Bear.”
“Oh,” says the Polar Bear cub.
“Anyway,” asks his Father, “What made you think you aren’t a Polar Bear?”
“Nothing,” says the Polar Bear cub, “It’s just that it’s so bloody cold!”

Dave Bishop December 7, 2010 at 6:50 pm

A nasty, greasy little pub on a nasty, greasy corner in a nasty, greasy little town. Inside the pub the loutish pub landlord is leaning on the bar watching football on the telly.

Suddenly the door flies open and in runs a small green man who sticks his finger in the landlord’s ear and shouts in a shrill voice,”Jiggy jiggy jiggy!!”
The landlord clutches his ear and yells, “What the f*ck!!” The little green man runs round to the landlord’s other side, sticks his finger in the other ear and shouts,”Jiggy jiggy jiggy!!!”
The landlord swats the little green man, who flies across the room, gets back up and races back for more. This time the landlord is ready and kicks the little green man between the legs. Again the little green man gets straight back up and returns at speed. The landlord grabs him by the collar and holds him at arms length where he dangles wriggling.

A frown creases the landlord’s craggy face and he says, ” ‘Ere, I just kicked you in the nuts and you didn’t even flinch!” The little green man shrieks, “I haven’t got any nuts – I’m a Martian!” An even deeper frown creases the landlords brow and he says, “If you ‘aven’t got any nuts, ‘ow do you reproduce?”

The little green man wriggles free, sticks his finger in the landlord’s ear and shouts, “Jiggy jiggy jiggy!!!”

Ken Thomas December 7, 2010 at 9:28 pm

A grasshopper walks into a bar and takes a seat.

The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”

Grasshopper replies “Why would anyone call a drink ‘Bob’?”

John Appel December 7, 2010 at 9:32 pm

Not a joke, but a humorous personal anecdote.

So I’m a former Army paratrooper (long ago and many hair follicles away). On one of my later jumps we were stood up, hooked up and waiting for the green light when the plane’s loadmaster, an Air Force NCO, shouted out “I still don’t understand why you guys do this.”

Some wit further back in the stick responded back with “$83 a month!” which was the bonus we got for jump pay. (This was in 1983 or 84.)

The loadmaster burst out laughing as the light turned green and we started jumping, replying “That’s OK, the Air Force pays me $110 a month to watch you fools go out the door.”

Zora December 8, 2010 at 3:33 am

Simple, honest Hawaiian grandfather writes his grandson, who’s in jail for gang-related activities. “Kimo, sure miss you this year. You were always so good about digging up my garden, getting it ready for planting.”

Kimo writes back. “Grandpa, sorry I can’t help you. But I think you should try marking off a new vegetable garden this year; I used the old one to bury the bodies.”

The grandfather gets the letter and is saddened and disgusted. A day later, he sees police cars parked all over his lawn and a police team out digging up every inch of his garden. They are angry to find that there are NO bodies.

A few days later, the grandfather gets another letter from Kimo: “Glad I could help, even in here.”

Rob Friefeld December 10, 2010 at 7:12 pm

Blind man walks into Macy’s with his dog. When he gets near the center of the floor, he grabs the dog by its tail and starts whirling it around over his head. A sales lady rushes up. “Sir. Sir! May I help you?” “No, its OK,” says the blind man. “I’m just looking around.”

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