The Worst

Some days I’m in the mood for a good takedown review, at least if it’s not of one of my books. (And those are often so misguided that they’re funny. I particularly like the ones that complain that I keep interrupting what should be nonstop action scenes with scenes giving psychological complexity to my characters.)

But never mind, I’m here to point you in the direction of a hilarious takedown review by The Everywhereist of “the worst Michelin-starred restaurant, ever.”

Here’s an amuse-bouche or two:

Earlier that day, we’d seen a statue of a bear, chiseled into marble centuries ago, by someone who had never actually seen a bear . . .

And this is a perfect allegory for our evening. It’s as though someone had read about food and restaurants, but had never experienced either, and this was their attempt to recreate it.

What followed was a 27-course meal (note that “course” and “meal” and “27” are being used liberally here) which spanned 4.5 hours and made me feel like I was a character in a Dickensian novel. Because – I cannot impart this enough – there was nothing even close to an actual meal served. Some “courses” were slivers of edible paper. Some shots were glasses of vinegar. Everything tasted like fish, even the non-fish courses. And nearly everything, including these noodles, which was by far the most substantial dish we had, was served cold . . .

“These are made with rancid ricotta,” the server said, a tiny fried cheese ball in front of each of us.

“I’m… I’m sorry, did you say rancid? You mean… fermented? Aged?”

“No. Rancid.”

“Okay,” I said in Italian. “But I think that something might be lost in translation. Because it can’t be-”

“Rancido,” he clarified.

Another course – a citrus foam – was served in a plaster cast of the chef’s mouth. Absent utensils, we were told to lick it out of the chef’s mouth in a scene that I’m pretty sure was stolen from an eastern European horror film.

For reasons that could fill an entire volume of TimeLife Mysteries of the Unknown, THIS ITEM IS AVAILABLE FOR SALE AT THEIR GIFTSHOP. In case you want to have a restraining order filed against you this holiday season.

And, ladies and gents, it’s a very long review. I think the author was taking detailed notes during every minute of the 4.5 hours she spent at table waiting for a meal that never arrived.

And there are photos of the food, none of which looks appetizing.

Bon appétit!