Today was a miserable cold day, so I decided to spend it indoors, catching up on the movies I missed while I was away. So I saw THOR: THE DARK WORLD, which was pretty good as Thor movies go— lots of action, twisty story, some nice comic turns, and each actor had a scene to call his own. But after a while, I began to sense a problem in Malekith’s cunning plan to wipe out all life in the Nine Universes. No one else, so far as I know, has noticed this little flaw.
I illustrate thus:
Let’s assume, for the moment, that Malekith has succeeded in his plot. Thor, Odin, and the Asgardians have been wiped out, and all life on the Nine Worlds has been extinguished, with the exception of Malekith and his Swart Elves. Let’s eavesdrop on this clutch of villains at the moment of their victory.
SWART ELF #1: Thor, Odin, and the Asgardians have been wiped out!
SWART ELF #2: All life on the Nine Worlds has been extinguished!
MALEKITH: Except for us, my children! We alone survive to repopulate our devastated world!
SWART ELF #1: Glory to you, my peerless leader!
SWART ELF #2: Let’s travel to Swartalfenheim and celebrate!
SWART ELF #1: Roll out some barrels of wine, invite some chicks . . .
SWART ELF #2: Yeah, let’s get this repopulation business started!
SWART ELF #1: Man, it’s been five thousand years since I’ve seen an elf maiden!
SWART ELF #2: They won’t be maidens for long once we get ahold of them. Ha hahahaha!
SWART ELF #1: AHAHAHAHA! BRING OUT THE GIRLS!
SWART ELF #2: Yea! O glorious Lord Malekith, reward us for our victory by bringing forth the elf maids!
SWART ELF ARMY: [chanting] ELF MAIDS! ELF MAIDS! ELF MAIDS!
The chanting gradually dies away.
SWART ELF #1: My lord?
SWART ELF #2: There are elf maids, right? I mean, we did bring some with us?
MALEKITH: Well . . . guys . . .
SWART ELF #2: I mean, we’re supposed to repopulate Swartalfenheim, right? Surely some girls were in the plan somewhere?
MALEKITH: Well, you know, the plan was really complex. The Aether, the Aesir, the Conjunction . . . I got a little distracted . . . some details slipped my mind.
SWART ELF #2: Details!!!
SWART ELF #1: Are you telling me that you devised a five thousand-year plan to wipe out all life and repopulate the Nine Worlds with Swart Elves and you forgot that we’d need FEMALES?
MALEKITH: Well, y’know, it was my personal ship . . . I just took my drinking buddies.
SWART ELF #2: No girlsI No girls EVER???
MALEKITH: I’m sorry, guys. You don’t know how embarrassed I am . . .
We FADE on a scene of growing chaos and violence.
So yeah, they forgot to include girl elves in the story. You can tell a bunch of boy-fans wrote this movie, right?