Sizing Up the Super-PACs

by wjw on February 3, 2012

The New York Times has been tracking the donors to the “super-PACS,” the grossly-funded organizations which, thanks to our Supreme Court, usually boast more money than the candidates they choose to support.

Let’s find out who’s behind the nation’s race to oligarchy, shall we?

I’m shocked— shocked!— to discover that Wall Street seems to be backing Mitt Romney this year.    You’d almost think he was, I dunno, a rich investment banker or something.

This is a switch from 2008, when Wall Street was behind Obama.  You’d think that the fact that Obama has done little or nothing to rein in their excesses, and hasn’t prosecuted any of the rich criminals who contributed to the economic collapse— except, of course, for that notorious racketeer, Martha Stewart— would have kept Wall Street’s loyalty, but apparently they’re unwilling to forgive his signing 875 pages of meaningless regulations.  Or they just want a banker in charge.

Also supporting Romney is the vile, slime-oozing homebuilder Bob Perry, who gave us Swift Boat Veterans for Truth.

Bob Perry also supports American Crossroads, a PAC featuring as its chief advisor the equally slimy Karl Rove.

The energy industry, big surprise, got behind Rick Perry.  Unfortunately they forgot to script his remarks for him, so now they’ll have to buy someone else.

There are various PACs supporting Democrats, none of which (this early, anyway) seems to have a lot of money.  Prominent among the donors are the usual suspects: Hollywood commies like Katzenberg and Spielburg, unions, public service employees, and trial lawyers.  Expect most of their money to go to congressional and gubernatorial candidates, since Obama’s sitting on a war chest nearing a billion dollars and probably won’t need their assistance.

If the Democrats win this year, expect the Teamsters to recruit every illegal immigrant in the country, trial lawyers to sue us into the ground for serving hot coffee, and Katzenberg to build an 800-foot-tall statue of Stalin above the Hollywood sign.

Newt’s super-PAC seems to be supported mostly by family members of his personal billionaire.  The total in the Times does not include the $10 million donated by said billionaire since the first of the year.

PACs supporting Santorum, Herman Cain, and Ron Paul seem decidedly underfunded compared with the others, and Michelle Bachman apparently failed to gain any traction whatever among the Billionaire Boys Club.

And as for me, I’m still waiting for my billionaire.  Support me and I’ll say anything!  I’ll run for anything!  I’m ready!

Ralf The Dog. February 3, 2012 at 6:03 am

You should show more gratitude to our potential new corporate owners. If Romney wins, you don’t want to be moved to an unfashionable work camp. Freedom of thought is so overrated and I for one welcome our new corporate overlords.

Remember, the bill of rights only applies to corporate people, not the squishy ones that cause all the problems.

Mastadge February 3, 2012 at 5:24 pm

What about Colbert’s SuperPAC?

wjw February 4, 2012 at 6:04 am

Cobert’s PAC needs a personal billionaire almost as much as I do. Someone to write checks right up to the election. Since he’ll be the only candidate talking about actual issues, he’ll be useful to get the issues out there.

Ralf, did I ever say oligarchy was =bad?= Of course not! I’m completely ready to be the sock puppet of one of the Secret Masters.

Rebecca February 4, 2012 at 11:08 am

I think of superpacs as sort of breeder reactors of corruption.

Off topic, but did I miss an announcement of some kind…? My bookstore already has my copy waiting, but I found out from Goodreads of all places! 🙂

wjw February 5, 2012 at 5:17 am

Ah . . . your bookstore is jumping the gun. See new announcement.

DensityDuck February 6, 2012 at 8:56 am

It’s obvious why the big money is backing Romney. They don’t need to back Obama–he’s already the President, he gets his campaigning done just by existing. The big money is backing Romney because they know he can’t win. They know that the average Republican voter is gonna look at Mitt Romney and write in “Mickey Mouse”, so they absolutely want him to be the nominee.

wjw February 7, 2012 at 4:59 am

Wow, dude, you’re even more paranoid than me. And that’s saying something.

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