Avengers (Disassembled)

I haven’t seen the Avengers movie yet.  But I know how I want it to end.

How I want it to end is not with the 35-minute action scene that I know is actually there, the kind where CGI goes toe-to-toe with CGI, and CGI wins.  I’ve seen enough of those for a lifetime.  Those sorts of scenes just make me long for the days when Bogie would just shoot Major Strasser, and Major Strasser would slump to the floor, and that would be that.

So here’s my ending for The Avengers.

(LOKI and THE AVENGERS meet for their final confrontation on, I dunno, the Empire State Building or someplace.)

LOKI

You may have defeated my extradimensional alien army, but you can’t defeat me!  I’m a god!  I’m immortal!  I can’t be killed!

THOR

Actually, I talked to Odin about that . . . and that’s not exactly true.

LOKI

What do you mean, brother?

THOR

That would be foster brother.  Because you’re adopted— you’re not a god, you’re an orphaned fire giant on whom Odin took pity.

[Note clever use of actual Norse mythology.]

IRON MAN

So fire giants can be killed?

THOR

(hefting hammer)

Pretty much.

(Captain America raises his shield.  Hawkeye raises his bow.  Thor is about to kneecap Loki with Mjollnir when the Hulk charges onto the scene.)

HULK

Hulk . . . pissed off!

(The Hulk rips Loki’s head off and stomps it into the approximate size and shape of a Swedish pancake.)

BLACK WIDOW

Wow.  Righteous kill.

(The Hulk begins to morph back into Bruce Banner.)

HAWKEYE

I totally could have done that!

BRUCE BANNER

I’m so ashamed . . .

HAWKEYE

I could be the star of this movie!  Really!  All you have to do is give me a chance!

IRON MAN

(activates suit radio)

Pepper?  Break out the disco ball and put champagne on ice.  It’s Party Night at the Stark Mansion!

THOR

(to Iron Man)

You got bimboes on speed dial?

IRON MAN

Oh, dude.  You have no idea.

(The Avengers walk off into the sunset of a new day, or something like that.  We hear Hawkeye’s voice trailing away.)

HAWKEYE

Really!  I could totally be the star of this picture!  Just let me take down the supervillain next time!  I can do it!

CAPTAIN AMERICA

Yeah, maybe next time we’re facing the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John.

(all LAUGH at the wimpy archer’s expense)

HAWKEYE

Aww, guys . . .

THE END