Gifts That Keep On Giving

Frustrated with looking for a Christmas gift for your special lady? Check out this Bluetooth-enabled sex toy! It will give new meaning to the phrase, “I think I’ll just give her a buzz.”

The toy features wireless Bluetooth connection, sms-text command system, and “turbo-boost circuitry.” It comes in six smashing colors, and is carried in a nifty executive-style case, at least when it’s not being worn internally.

You can activate the toy at any time, simply by sending a text message. Each letter of the alphabet, or combination thereof, has a different setting, for a total of 7200 possible variations! Imagine the fun you’ll have remotely programming your Special Someone!

You can light up your girlfriend from halfway around the world, and no matter what she’s doing— watching TV, reading a book, taking a meeting, or driving a bus filled with schoolchildren.

The toy is 90mm x 30mm, not counting the “tensile-coated cable antenna/retractor,” which apparently remains outside the body.

I’m really looking forward to seeing this go through airport security. Aren’t you?

And if internal application really is your thing, don’t forget to order your Polonium-210, available by mail from Bob Lazar, whose previous employment was reverse-engineering extraterrestrial spacecraft at Area 51.

With gifts like these, the forthcoming holiday season will surely be one to remember!