My Mask Policy

We had no sooner crossed the New Mexico border than a text appeared on my phone telling me that my COVID vaccine awaited me.  So tomorrow I get Jab #1, which I expect will reduce my sense of anxiety.

Since returning home I’ve mainly been trying to get my head into the right time zone.  Eastern Time didn’t seem to be working for me.  Every time I tried to work my head kept telling me, “Naw, you got that all wrong.“

Strangely enough my leg and back pain was reduced during the trip West.  I suspect I’m benefitting from spending eight or ten hours per day sitting upright in a narrow seat, with my feet flat on the floor like my primary school teachers all recommended.  Now that I’m in my own comfy chairs and my own comfy bed, the leg pain has increased.

After having endured the horrors of Oklahoma and Kentucky, I’ve decided that I should announce my mask policy.  I’m not a head of state or a governor, I’m just a guy, so there is no way to enforce my preferences on the world— except, of course, by way of sarcasm and mockery.

Just remember that I’m the guy that came up with several rules for living, including Williams’ First Law: Assholes Always Advertise.

So here goes:

While there is very little scientific data about how effective mask use is in preventing COVID, the wearing of masks in public is (at the very least) a courtesy to others, particularly those most vulnerable to the disease.

So if you’re in public and not wearing a mask, I’m not going to assume that you’re a brave  iconoclastic thinker challenging accepted dogma, I’m going to assume that you are a complete asshole.  And not only are you an asshole, you’re advertising yourself as such.

Likewise, if you’re only partially wearing a mask, like wearing it only over the mouth and leaving the nose free, or wearing it only over the nose to let the mouth free, I will not assume that you’re— actually I can’t not assume anything in this case, because I can’t conceive any rational reason why anyone would do this— so I won’t not assume anything, I’ll simply assume . . . that you’re an asshole.

And not only that, but there’s actual data that supports my position.

Researchers from the State University of Londrina found that people who reported “antisocial traits,” such as low levels of empathy and high levels of callousness and risk-taking, were less-likely to comply with Covid-19 prevention measures, such as wearing a mask and social distancing.

In this case, “antisocial” refers to traits that are typically present in people diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, which is defined as “a chronic and pervasive disposition to disregard and violate the rights of others,” according to the American Psychological Association.

Your takeaway?  You’re not just an asshole, you’re a sociopathic asshole.

I can’t stop you from being an asshole, of course, but I can at the very least make savage fun of you, and in this I promise I shall be relentless.