Where’s My Personal Billionaire?

It occurs to me that yesterday’s South Carolina primary signaled a paradigm shift in American politics.  In order to run for office, you no longer have to please the electorate.  You only have to please one person.

Your personal billionaire.

Newt Gingrich, the ethically-challenged former Speaker of the House, had been written off after his fourth-place finish in the New Hampshire primary.  But then his personal billionaire, Sheldon Adelson,wrote a $5 million check to a “super-PAC” supporting Gingrich, and Gingrich was able to place $3.5 million worth of ads within the ten days or so left before the primary.  Some of that money went into airing a 28-minute film accusing Mitt Romney of being an uncaring corporate raider out to deprive Americans of their jobs.  It didn’t matter that the film was loaded with inaccuracies.  It didn’t have to please anyone but a single person.

Newt’s personal billionaire.

Newt,  he of the Tiffany’s charge account, launched a ferocious attack on Romney and indeed on capitalism itself, and indulged in some savage race-baiting while he was at it.  (Populism at its best, we can all agree.)  And of course the noted serial adulterer agreed with his fellow Republicans about the need to defend the sanctity of marriage by depriving gays of their rights, and also agreed that pregnant rape victims should be forced (at gunpoint, I presume) to bear their rapists’ children.

I can only presume that many Republicans were deeply uncomfortable hearing Newt attack capitalism and saying some of the other stuff that he was saying.  But why should Newt care?

He only needs to please his personal billionaire.

(I should point out, before the knee-jerk indignant responses swarm in, that I don’t actually care if Newt committed adultery or not.  That was between him and Mrs. Newt.  And the other Mrs. Newt.  And the other Mrs. Newt.  What I care about is that he was banging Callista in his car in the Congressional parking lot while prosecuting Bill Clinton for getting a blow job in the Oval Office, because that speaks to the sort of person he is.)

Anyway, Newt’s ad-buying and race-baiting got him a decisive 40% of the South Carolina vote.  But even if he’d lost, why should he quit?

After all, he needs only to please his personal billionaire.

So how did American politics come to this pass?  After all, we have a law that says a candidate can only receive $5000 in contributions from a single person, and a $5 million check would seem to be somewhat in excess of that.  But thanks to one of our handy 5-4 Supreme Court decisions (Citizens United v Federal Election Commission, if you want to look it up), corporations (and unions) are now allowed to spend as much as they like, so long as it doesn’t go directly to a candidate.

And why would they give money to the candidate?  I mean, why bother?  They now have an unlimited license to spend however much money they want in direct advocacy of whatever it is they want to advocate.  Did either Adelson or Gingrich note or care that the film attacking Romney was loaded with inaccuracies?

Why should they?  Buy enough ads, you control the story.   And after the ad buys, the story wasn’t “Is Mitt Romney a heartless capitalist?”, but “How much of a heartless capitalist is he?”

(I will leave the answer to that as an exercise for the reader.)

How much is $5 million to a casino tycoon like Sheldon Adelson?  Well, he’s the 8th wealthiest American, and the 16th wealthiest person in the world.  According to one report, he makes over a million dollars per day. Buying a primary is chump change.

Now if you’ve got a billionaire behind you, why would you ever quit?  Why should any billionaire’s candidate retire from the race just because he loses some elections?  As long as your personal billionaire is willing to write checks, you can keep on chugging along.

That’s going to be a game-changer.  Every candidate with a personal billionaire can keep campaigning right up to the convention.  Or even past it, what the hell.

(And meanwhile,  while Republicans slag each other, and slag capitalism, of all things, Mr. Obama is sitting on top of a campaign war chest that may approach a billion dollars.  He’s his own personal billionaire.)

Which brings me to my main point.  Where the hell is my personal billionaire?

I mean, dude, I’m ready.  If I have a billionaire looking out after me, I’ll totally go on TV and say whatever crazy shit the billionaire wants me to say.  Why should I care what people think?

Because I’ll have my own personal billionaire.