Gifts That Keep On Giving

by wjw on December 4, 2006

Frustrated with looking for a Christmas gift for your special lady? Check out this Bluetooth-enabled sex toy! It will give new meaning to the phrase, “I think I’ll just give her a buzz.”

The toy features wireless Bluetooth connection, sms-text command system, and “turbo-boost circuitry.” It comes in six smashing colors, and is carried in a nifty executive-style case, at least when it’s not being worn internally.

You can activate the toy at any time, simply by sending a text message. Each letter of the alphabet, or combination thereof, has a different setting, for a total of 7200 possible variations! Imagine the fun you’ll have remotely programming your Special Someone!

You can light up your girlfriend from halfway around the world, and no matter what she’s doing— watching TV, reading a book, taking a meeting, or driving a bus filled with schoolchildren.

The toy is 90mm x 30mm, not counting the “tensile-coated cable antenna/retractor,” which apparently remains outside the body.

I’m really looking forward to seeing this go through airport security. Aren’t you?

And if internal application really is your thing, don’t forget to order your Polonium-210, available by mail from Bob Lazar, whose previous employment was reverse-engineering extraterrestrial spacecraft at Area 51.

With gifts like these, the forthcoming holiday season will surely be one to remember!

Foxessa December 5, 2006 at 12:56 am

You may or may not be surprised that among my vast numbers of friends and acquaintances and Others, there are several for whom this is the very thing!

Love, C

PureDoxyk December 5, 2006 at 3:23 pm

::snorts coffee::

Can’t decide if it would be funnier if you’d made it up…but the smart money says you didn’t, did you?

All kinds of great scenes just spring to mind immediately…The Important Phone Call. The Sermon. (“Hallelujah!”) The Friend Picking Up What He Thought Was Your Cell Phone. And of course, the Unexpected Radio Interference.

Mercy me. -PD

dubjay December 5, 2006 at 8:35 pm

There is a motif that connects these gifts, the sex toy and the polonium.

Both would be employed exclusively by control freaks.

Eric Blair December 5, 2006 at 8:47 pm

Now that’s both true and disturbing.

HaloJonesFan December 6, 2006 at 8:31 pm

Heh. This could be an interesting thing for operant conditioning…you put the person under remote surveillance. When they behave in the desired manner, they get a buzz. When they do something proscribed, they get a zap…

Anonymous December 8, 2006 at 1:30 am

Oh my God!

I thought I was reading Susie Bright for a minute there.

dubjay December 8, 2006 at 10:12 pm

Apropos Susie Bright:

Do you know how wearying it would be to have a job that consistently requires one to have more fun than anyone else?


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