Nemesis Farewell

by wjw on June 21, 2007

Farewell to Tractor Beam, my nemesis of the last twelve years.

Shortly I will offer it on Craig’s List, perhaps as a found art object. (It would be difficult to offer it as an actual useful piece of equipment, except to a devoted and rather masochistic tinkerer.)

The new wee tractor arrived this week. It operates wonderfully. It has an automatic transmission, and it cuts weeds so smoothly and wonderfully that I was transfixed with admiration. Beam wouldn’t so much cut weeds as hack them into slimy gobbets, and while doing so, it would create enormous dust clouds that would cover the landscape, and me with it.

While the new tractor does not operate in a dust-free environment— this is New Mexico, after all— neither I did not finish my chores today looking like an extra from Invasion of the Mud Men.

It operates so smoothly that I’m tempted to call it Tractor Cream.

But in the meantime, farewell Beam! May you rust in pieces.

Responsible Artist June 22, 2007 at 1:04 am

Congrats, Walter. Next time any computers give you guff maybe you can just run over them with your tractor.

Pat Mathews June 24, 2007 at 3:13 am

Maybe Tractor Beam would make someone a good lawn ornament? If you can’t get rid of it on Craigslist, try Freecycle as a last resort.

Kelly June 25, 2007 at 11:33 pm

I’m seeing an art installation: Beam disassembled on a hospital bed, with various parts suspended by loops of white cloth. “TRACTION”

Johan Larson June 26, 2007 at 1:58 am

Tractor Cream?

Is that the sequel to Brokeback Mountain? “Meanwhile, back at the ranch…”

dubjay July 3, 2007 at 1:51 am

Y’know, gay tractors are the least of my worries right now.

If I find them together in some illicit embrace, I’ll just turn off the lights and wish them goodnight.

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