Watermelon Man

by wjw on August 14, 2007

Lest me just rant here for a while. About seedless watermelons, and why I hate them.

  1. They’re not seedless! The seeds are puny, but they’re there. So even calling them seedless is a misrepresentation. They should be “weeny-seeded watermelons.”
  2. They don’t taste good! They don’t taste awful, but they don’t have the full rich flavor of a real watermelon. Which begs a whole other rant about why people buy food that doesn’t taste good, but maybe I’ll develop that thought later.
  3. They don’t hold up! A seedless watermelon will deteriorate in an alarming way just a few days after you buy it. And not only does it decay, it breaks down into some kind of horrible, disgusting slime. This happens even if you refrigerate it. If I want food with ichor on it, I’d eat raw goldfish, thank you very much.
  4. They’ve driven real watermelons out of the marketplace! I can’t seem to find an old-fashioned, tastes-good, seeded watermelon anywhere. Maybe if I get lucky at the farmer’s market, but nowhere else.

So here’s what’s happened: for the convenience of not having to spit out watermelon seeds, people have settled for a product that doesn’t taste good and that breaks down into a slimy puddle right there on the refrigerator shelf.

Can someone explain why people do this? Or are they just Fucking Stupid?

qtera31 August 14, 2007 at 9:33 pm

For the same reasons tomatoes are grown in varieties hardy enough to be hard projectiles, certainly not for their taste. For marketing and ease…sigh….and they get away with it because a lot of people don’t know what real fruits and vegetables should taste like.

dubjay August 14, 2007 at 9:54 pm

One reason that Ghastly Rock-Hard Tomatoes overtook Real Tomatoes in the marketplace is that Real Tomatoes are difficult to harvest by machine because they’re too fragile, whereas Ghastly Rock-Hard Tomatoes will withstand rough handling up to and including a nuclear blast.

But that isn’t the case with watermelon. Real Watermelon survived picking and transport just fine. So why did they disappear?

Tarl Neustaedter August 15, 2007 at 12:00 am

I don’t know about watermelon (I’ve always hated the stuff), but the push for convenience I can understand. I don’t like having to fight my food to eat it. If I have to pick stuff out of the food, or worse, pick the food out of stuff, I won’t eat it.

Yes, I hate lobster. I won’t eat fish with bones. And I can’t understand people who like picking the meat out of walnut shells.

I suspect you can probably still find real watermelons at local farm stands, although they might be hard to find in New Mexico. From the sound of it, the new seedless watermelons probably are harder to plant, so low-volume farms likely still grow traditional types.

Oz August 15, 2007 at 12:06 am

Sorry. Not computing. Around here, you want a decent melon, you grow it yourself. Or get it directly from someone who does, including a guy with a truck full of ’em who drove up from parts further south.

Those nasty puddles of goo that only a chicken will eat are the reason I don’t buy most of my produce in the supermarket anymore.

dubjay August 15, 2007 at 12:27 am

Geez, Oz. I already have =one= job that doesn’t pay. And you want me to add =farmer= to my resume?

Phy August 15, 2007 at 5:40 pm

For the same reason Red Delicious apples aren’t.

Tarl Neustaedter August 24, 2007 at 5:21 pm

Now you have me wondering whether these watermelons have seeds:


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