Turtle Parts

by wjw on October 3, 2008

So I was washing my hair this morning, and I was using this small sample bottle that we’d been given by somebody or other, and the bottle says on it, “Green Tea and Willow.”

Green tea and willow. In shampoo.

Does anyone out there have any idea how these items are supposed to make my hair cleaner or fluffier or whatever?

Green tea has antioxidants, I know. Does that mean that my hair won’t get cancer?

And willow is what they make aspirin out of. So now my hair won’t get joint pains or headaches.

Does anyone know why the cosmetics industry puts this stuff in our stuff? Any idea at all?

This reminds me of an incident early in my marriage. I walked into the bathroom and there was Kathy without any clothes on. Which is usually a welcome sight.

“Get out of here!” she yelled. “I’m anointing my body with dead turtle parts!”

I left rather quickly, as I’m sure would any of you. I was very new to this marriage thing and had no idea to that point that my spouse was deranged.

Kathy explained later that she was moisturizing, or whatever, with an Olay substance, which has some kind of turtle product in it. Apparently “Olay” is French for “dessicated turtle organs.”

Why do dead turtle parts make your skin smooth? Does anyone know?

And even if it’s true, who was the person who thought of the idea and decided to test it? I mean, it’s a totally deranged notion, but someone had to think of it and then follow through, right?

Do answers exist to any of these questions?

Zora October 3, 2008 at 7:09 pm

Many years ago, a Bay Area hippie friend visited me. She informed me solemnly that the supermarket shampoo I was using was full of CHEMICALS. I should buy healthy shampoo at the health food store.

Silly me, I did. The shampoo was full of healthy herbal extracts. Which gave me hives.

Ralf the Dog October 3, 2008 at 9:11 pm

Why do people put this stuff in there hair? I have found that most questions that start with “Why” can usually be answered by, “Because people are stupid.”

For many years people thought that tomatoes were poison. I have always wondered about that first pour person who decided to end it all by eating one. “Wow this is good. Why am I not dead?” My guess is, the smuck thought he became immortal and got himself killed the next day.

ruth October 4, 2008 at 1:34 am

My wife is from the Philippines and doesn't have the normal compliment of hair follicles evolved for cold weather climates (being of islander & spaniard decent) and as such is ALWAYS complaining that I of French/German/Russian descent (family reunions can be murder) does not need to 'moisturize'
I honestly do not understand this phenomenon except that once a month Ruth goes to the store to buy liter sized dispensers of white goop which she says moisturizes her skin.

The dutiful husband (read in: I'm not THAT stupid) nods and says "yes dear"

At least she doesn't give any credence to that 'natural' or 'chemical free' (what is it…inert?) garbage. Glad I married a science geek 🙂

Anonymous October 4, 2008 at 1:35 am

Willow and green tea make your hair smell good. I suspect that’s about all they do.

As for the turtle parts, have you ever seen a wrinkly turtle? And turtles live to be 150! And they’re in the water all the time!

If turtles don’t wrinkle, then we won’t.


Sage October 4, 2008 at 1:36 am

Dude. Today’s “medscape,” a service that keeps me up to date with the newest in medicine whether I want to be or not, informs me that there really is an active ingredient in Horny Goat Weed.

The Italians have extracted the lil’ molecule, so soon, the world can have Vigagra effects without headaches!

I’ll stay tuned. It’s my duty to all of you. Sigh.

Tumbleweed October 4, 2008 at 1:36 am

Oh no…That was obviously posted while my wonderful, forgiving, and understanding wife was still logged in.

Now I’m off to go buy some moisturizer as a gift….

Dave Bishop October 4, 2008 at 8:26 am

Until recently I worked in the soap and detergents industry. The first thing that you have to realise is that these companies are run by their marketing departments – who think that they know everything – but actually know nothing and are complete slaves to fashion. They have heard of things like 'anti-oxidants' but don't have the faintest idea what they are but 'know' that they are 'good'. They then demand that their R&D departments incorporate these 'good' ingredients into their products. R&D know that such ingredients can have no efficacy whatsoever in a detergent base and will be flushed straight down the drain – but they need to eat so comply anyway. This story is probably encapsulated in the on-pack product claims which may say something like: "WITH extract of green tea which is KNOWN to protect against ageing/cancer etc., etc." (translation: published studies have shown that green tea can have these effects under ideal circumstances and we hope that the consumer will infer that the effects will operate in a shampoo base). It's often all in the wording – which is designed by lawyers to imply maximum effect for minimum investment.

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