by wjw on December 21, 2009

Some years ago Kathy and I were in Munich, and we found ourselves in the giant walk-in safe that holds the Wittelsbach family’s personal collection of holy relics, almost all of which were neatly labeled. (The Wittelsbachs, you may remember, included [in chronological order] Mad King Ludwig I, Mad Max, and Mad King Ludwig II. So you can believe that the eccentric family that built Neuschwanstein could afford to collect all the old bones they wanted.)

I’m afraid we behaved badly. Or I did, anyway. I kept jumping around pointing to bones and saying, “Look! It’s St. Matthew’s femur! It’s St. Luke’s tibia!”

The only mystery was a kind of lacy gold house, in which were placed the mummified bodies of two infants wrapped in cloth-of-gold. There was no label. I finally decided that the house held the bodies of Jesus as a child and John the Baptist as a child.

Which brings us to today’s Happy Holidays post. If you’re getting bored with the same old holiday traditions— the cards, the lights, the trees— you could try something new. Try worshiping holy relics!

Here’s the Smart Set guide to the Top Ten Relics! These include the Holy Umbilical Cord, Holy Breast Milk, and the Holy Foreskin. (Which seems to have disappeared mysteriously. Perhaps it failed to resurrect along with the rest of the holy remains, and the oversight has now been corrected and the foreskin has been translated to heaven to rejoin its original owner.)

Or you could spend the holidays the way I do, calling upon the Divine to witness my martyrdom as I try to assemble brand-new consumer products, none of which ever, ever live up to their promise.

halojones-fan December 21, 2009 at 5:25 pm

Someone accidentally rubbed the Holy Foreskin, and now it's the Shroud of Turin.

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