Come Naked

by wjw on November 5, 2011

The following are alleged to be actual answers found on the official Australian tourist web site.  Even if that’s not true, they’re still pretty amusing.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not … oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday nigh t in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do…

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first

DensityDuck November 5, 2011 at 4:58 am

I laugh, but I’ve had family (who have spent most of their lives on the East Coast) ask me whether I’m in danger from the fires near Los Angeles and whether I can see the smoke cloud. (I live near San Francisco.) I reply that LA is about 400 miles away, and if I were able to see the smoke cloud they’d probably be able to see it too.

Bruce November 5, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Actually, we’ve had bushfires (Black Saturday) in Australia where the smoke plume went from Victoria to New Zealand.

The source appears to be a random touristy site called ‘amazingaustralia’ which doesn’t look especially official. They’ve got a slightly expanded and different list, rather than the presumably earlier copy which has gone viral. The internet wayback machine notes that the page was live as early as Oct 04 in exactly the version circulated, but by Feb05 they’d added the first question (Campervan) that isn’t in this email.

Shash November 7, 2011 at 2:47 am

Thanks for sharing the laugh. I love smart-ass answers – sometimes even when I am the person to whom they are lobbed. My friends in Adelaide had a good laugh over them too.

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