Avengers (Disassembled)

by wjw on May 5, 2012

I haven’t seen the Avengers movie yet.  But I know how I want it to end.

How I want it to end is not with the 35-minute action scene that I know is actually there, the kind where CGI goes toe-to-toe with CGI, and CGI wins.  I’ve seen enough of those for a lifetime.  Those sorts of scenes just make me long for the days when Bogie would just shoot Major Strasser, and Major Strasser would slump to the floor, and that would be that.

So here’s my ending for The Avengers.

(LOKI and THE AVENGERS meet for their final confrontation on, I dunno, the Empire State Building or someplace.)


You may have defeated my extradimensional alien army, but you can’t defeat me!  I’m a god!  I’m immortal!  I can’t be killed!


Actually, I talked to Odin about that . . . and that’s not exactly true.


What do you mean, brother?


That would be foster brother.  Because you’re adopted— you’re not a god, you’re an orphaned fire giant on whom Odin took pity.

[Note clever use of actual Norse mythology.]


So fire giants can be killed?


(hefting hammer)

Pretty much.

(Captain America raises his shield.  Hawkeye raises his bow.  Thor is about to kneecap Loki with Mjollnir when the Hulk charges onto the scene.)


Hulk . . . pissed off!

(The Hulk rips Loki’s head off and stomps it into the approximate size and shape of a Swedish pancake.)


Wow.  Righteous kill.

(The Hulk begins to morph back into Bruce Banner.)


I totally could have done that!


I’m so ashamed . . .


I could be the star of this movie!  Really!  All you have to do is give me a chance!


(activates suit radio)

Pepper?  Break out the disco ball and put champagne on ice.  It’s Party Night at the Stark Mansion!


(to Iron Man)

You got bimboes on speed dial?


Oh, dude.  You have no idea.

(The Avengers walk off into the sunset of a new day, or something like that.  We hear Hawkeye’s voice trailing away.)


Really!  I could totally be the star of this picture!  Just let me take down the supervillain next time!  I can do it!


Yeah, maybe next time we’re facing the Sheriff of Nottingham and Prince John.

(all LAUGH at the wimpy archer’s expense)


Aww, guys . . .


Nathan May 5, 2012 at 11:46 pm

I thought you said you hadn’t seen the movie. . .

Brad DeLong May 6, 2012 at 12:06 am

How about if it were to end quietly, in a restaurant?

Mike Brotherton May 6, 2012 at 1:40 am

Frost giant, not fire giant…

And not to spoil too much, but yeah, there’s a scene toward to end that echoes some of that.

Chris K May 6, 2012 at 2:09 am

I’ll bet you loved the end of Bakshi’s WIZARDS.

wjw May 6, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Chris, the ending was the best part of WIZARDS.

Wrong mythology, Mike! In Norse mythology, Loki was a fire giant, which was mirrored by his chimerical, mutable nature.

In Whedon’s mythology, I dunno. When I went to see the movie, it was sold out.

Drejk May 25, 2012 at 4:00 pm

*cough* In Norse mythology gods weren’t immortal. Thor, Odin and Loki alike are meant to die during the Ragnarok.

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