End the World in Style

by wjw on October 16, 2015

In the popular imagination, Doomsday isn’t any fun. I mean, all the radiation and the ruins and the heavily-armed mutant gangs are the sort of thing that can make the end of the world a real drag.

And even if you’ve done your doomsday prep, you’re still stuck in a buried RV with your heavily-armed idiot cousin Clem, and if you run out of food, either you gnaw your own leg off . . . or Clem does.

But it doesn’t have to be that way, at least if you’re among the 1%!  Thanks to the Vivos Group, you can sit out the apocalypse in style, in a bombproof nuclear shelter hidden somewhere in Indiana.  A mere $35,000 will secure you a place in one of the 80 rooms in this luxury shelter, and if you have a necessary skill (like doctors and nurses, plumbers, electricians, and security guards) you can get a discount!

Of course, you’ve got to have sufficient advanced knowledge of the end of the world to get yourself to Indiana by the time the balloon, or the ICBMs, go up; but once you’re there, the world is your charred, slightly radioactive oyster.

But what if you don’t want to ruin your end-of-the-world time hanging around in a shelter with blue-collar workers like security guards and plumbers?  In that case, you can be one of the select 34 families invited to shelter in Vivos Europa One.  Each family is given a 2500-square-foot area on which to design, build, and decorate their own post-apocalyptic luxury condo (and the square footage can be doubled if you add a second story).

The complex was built under a limestone mountain by the Soviets, and you better believe they knew about the apocalypse!

When the end of the world approaches, “Members will arrive at their own discretion, prior to lockdown, landing their private planes at nearby airports. Vivos helicopters will then be deployed to rendezvous with each member group, and fly them back to the shelter compound, safely secured from the general public, behind sealed and secured gates.”

No proles here, except the servants and loyal staff you choose to bring with you.  (Of course, there may be a slight morale problem when your servants realize the money you’re paying them no longer has any worth, they’ve been forced to abandon their loved ones in a radioactive hell, and that, hey, they’re the ones that know how to do things . . . but fear not!  The condos will be owned by by pre-selected Randian supermen who are more than capable of commanding the obedience of the future under-race!)

But don’t bother applying for Europa One.  It’s invitation only— they know who you are, and whether you’re worthy to face the post-apocalyptic future from the safety of their four-star accommodation.

But if you’re not judged worthy, or if you mistime your evacuation and fail to reach Indiana or Eastern Europe in time, at least your DNA can survive!  Yes. Vivos has created the Global Genome Vault, the bombproof “ark of humanity” where the DNA of every individual on Earth can be preserved!

And hey, this one’s free!   Of course your clone may wake up to discover it’s one of the untermenschen born to serve the glittering lords of Europa One, but at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that your genetic contribution will have found a secure place in the Future World Order.

The 1% . . . before or after the apocalypse, they will always be with us.

Urban October 17, 2015 at 10:49 am

In Germany, near Jena, is not the location you’d expect someone to actually BUILD a shelter of this kind and since it looks like a tank or artillery depot it’s very large for only 34 paying customers. I’m wondering about water/ventilation for lots of people. Would make more sense to buy an abandoned command centre (lots of them in for example Sweden) where there’s already houses built in.
And I’d expect most such families would take a vacation in the south pacific or somewhere else remote with nice climate if it starts to look apocalyptic.

wjw October 17, 2015 at 3:21 pm

Yeah, I’d head to the Southern Hemisphere myself, but one problem is that your money won’t be any good there. You’d have to pre-ship a supply of gold or something.

Whereas in Europa One, you’d be in your own custom palace, and your money would be no worse than anyone else’s. Plus you’d have the stuff that would be =real= money, like water, shelter, and food.

Shash October 17, 2015 at 5:51 pm

Television but no library. What will they do with no football games to watch? Will we all be issued Kindles? Or is there a Gideon’s Bible under each pillow?

I think I’ll just risk it above ground.

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