Princess Whatzername

by wjw on May 4, 2015

So the entire world, apparently, is holding its breath waiting for the Windsors to make up their minds about what to call the latest Blessed Event.  Public opinion seems to be holding out for “Victoria,” which is certainly keeping it in the family.

But I think the Windsors should go a little more 21st Century with their names, and I humbly offer the following:

  • Ariel Aurora Jasmine Belle Mulan Pocahontas Snow (All the Disney princesses in one go!)

  • Spume

  • Montana Python

  • Bacon (because everybody loves bacon)

  • Anna Randomspew Bicycle

  • Prawn Cocktail

  • Parsnip

  • Hinkelbug Monkeypunk

  • Yellow Brick Toad

  • Lotus Paisley Butterfly Wonderly

  • Fourth in Line

  • Victoria Alexandrina von Saxe-Coberg und Gotha (“going full Victoria”)

  • Ethel Shroake of 93A High Street, Leytonstone

  • Lefty

  • Ambrosia Penelope Morgantrotter Tabasco

And the number one name for the new princess:

  • Oh fuck!  Why can’t I be George?

Ralf T. Dog May 5, 2015 at 1:39 am

If they wanted to be all kinds of wrong, go with John.

Sean Craven May 5, 2015 at 2:17 am

I’ve always thought it nice to name girls after flowers. Like Ranunculus, or Scabiosa.

Phil Koop May 5, 2015 at 7:30 am

Now that is a question I had not previously considered: is Kevin Bacon a stage name? Designed to entice us and test-marketed to focus groups?! According to his Wikipedia page, no. But how far can you trust Wikipedia? Think of WJW’s birthday!

TRX May 5, 2015 at 7:41 am

A few years ago I flipped idly through the local phone books. Most of those names wouldn’t even attract attention there.

Now that few people expect members of a family to have the same last name, there’s a trend toward made-up last names. I think that actually predates the “Google-unique” fad of a few years back, since many of the made-up name people are adults now.

Since large businesses have bought the naming rights to every available sports or music venue and many major city streets, I predict the next trend will be for them to offer new parents $100 or so to name the child after one of their products. And we’ll have a new generation with names like “Tampax” and “iPhone.” (I’ve already met a young woman named “Charmin,” and another named “Pepsi”…)

Jim Janney May 5, 2015 at 12:58 pm

I was hoping for Mononoke. But it’s too late now, they’ve named her after a spider.

Michael Grosberg May 5, 2015 at 1:04 pm

Princess Consuela Bananahammock, if they’re into American TV.

Check out For other great (and totally real) names.

barryT May 5, 2015 at 1:16 pm

What’s in a name?
A Stinkwort by any other name smells just as …. well, maybe not.

Still, with Charlotte they can always look for Apple sponsorship.

Anyway, them up at the Palace don’t always stick to the script – it’s fairly widely known that H.M. is familiarly known as Brenda, not Liz.

kpacheneg May 5, 2015 at 1:53 pm

Good to see the world press goes after the pressing concerns of our age, like the perennial question “What’s up with the royals right now?”

Check out For other great (and totally real) names.

“Three of them made the news because of their arrest records, while the fourth found himself in the public eye after a local Chinese food delivery man was brutally murdered.” WTH, dude?

You realize this is a racist project ridiculing underprivileged, undereducated minorities through ghetto names? “No malice is intended,” indeed! It’s not like anything originating from the enlightened circles of the Ivy League could ever be malign. Oh, wait…

Madeleine May 5, 2015 at 6:30 pm

Leia! Why not Leia? Princess Leia Alderaana von Hanburg Solo.
I guess it’s really a bit last century, though.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post:

Contact Us | Terms of User | Trademarks | Privacy Statement

Copyright © 2010 WJW. All Rights Reserved.